Past... meet the future

It's been a while since I've written anything.  I think it's because I began to doubt myself and my need for spilling my guts (or draining my brain).  I mean, really... what could I possibly have to say that is any more profound than the last 72 inspirational memes you've seen on facebook or instagram?
My friend and brother, Eusi, challenged me last week to write again.  He actually found one of my old posts and called me out!  (Thanks again Eusi!)  :)
As soon as I accepted the challenge, I found my brain was blank.  No.  Not really blank.  But doubtful and unimpressive.  There was nothing that I felt the need to share.  No funny anecdotes, no clever cliche's and no "ah-ha moment" just waiting to be purged.
And then something happened.  God showed up.  Seriously.  Here's the story:

I got a phone call this morning from my first born.  He lives in Toledo now.  The armpit of America.  The "little dirty", lower Detroit, "little D"... whatever the nickname is.  From 90% of what I've heard and 85% of what I've read, it's not a pleasant place to live.  But I digress.

He was talking to me while he was walking back to his apartment after an appointment.  He was saying how cold it was, but it was beginning to warm up a little.  Then he was telling me about a jersey he saw at Goodwill that was for the official Nerf league.  Who knew there was such a thing?!?
During our nice little chat, a man approached him and I heard the entire exchange.

Now, before I proceed with this story, let me go back a little bit.

There's been a constant theme running in my mind for months/years now.  The PAST.  Specifically, the pasts of people I love.
For me personally, the past is uncomfortable.  When someone knows me from my younger years, it makes me squirm a bit.  I'm not the same person.  I don't even like that old person.  I did horrific things that I will forever be ashamed of.  Stupid things.  Things that would make me wanna smack my kids if they did them.  Haven't we all done some of those thing??

A couple of years ago, I wrote about a guy I met at work.  He was coming in to be admitted for drug addiction treatment.  He was in rough shape, but I heard the words "He's in the middle of his past" being whispered in my heart and it caused me to look at him differently.  Suddenly I was able to imagine what God created him to be in the first place.  I could see potential.  I could see hope and promise in his eyes.  And he was beautiful.  A beautiful mess.

How sad it is that we place labels on people because of something they've done?  Sadder still is the belief that we will never come out from under that label in God's eyes.

When our past is awful, when our choices have been careless, when our lives are messy because of our own doing, it's hard to imagine that God would still love us.  "Love us" is an understatement.  It's hard to imagine that God would go out of His way to speak to us and bless us and give us more than we hoped for.  It's especially hard if you're not a parent yourself.

I've been praying for my children fervently.  I've always prayed protection over them and for them to be blessed and know God's love.  But my prayers have been very specific lately.  For example, my son in Toledo has been going through some rough stuff.  And he's up in that city with no family and just a handful of friends to lean on.  He's been struggling with the twisted belief system I outlined above.  How could God still love him?  Why would God want to bless him?  Will his past always haunt him?  He's been digging into the Word and praying for direction and favor, but I know that he's always questioned these things.  So this momma's prayers have been specifically that God would bring someone to him to speak life into him.  Someone that would encourage him.  Someone that would tell truth and not harm him.  Someone that would remind him of who he is in God's eyes.

Now back to the conversation I was having with him.  He was walking along peacefully chatting with me about the mundane things of the day.
Then I hear a man's voice.  He said "Hey man, can I talk to you for a minute?"  Logan said yeah.  This man says "I just wanted to tell you that God loves you.  He created you and only one you.  He didn't create 600 of you... just one.  He has a purpose for your life.  He loves you enough to have me stop cleaning my mirrors and come tell you that.  He wants you to be reminded of His love for you and that you are His.  He is yours and you are His.  He sees all the things in your life and He wants you to just talk to Him about them.  He loves you so much that He died for you."  
Now let me explain something here.  This man was outside of his truck cleaning mirrors.  Logan said that he watched at least 2 or 3 people pass by him without him even looking up.  This man started to get in his truck to leave and saw Logan.  He got out of his truck and came up and started talking.  This man was tattooed, pierced, had dreadlocks hanging down his back and looked like a thug.  He had a really nice truck and Logan said he would have assumed he was a drug dealer from the appearance of things.
This man began to tell Logan about where he'd been.  He'd been in prison.  He was an angry man that would beat you up for giving him a dirty look.  He was addicted to drugs.  He was a bad dude.  He said that nobody loved him enough to tell him the truth when he was younger.  No one ever told him about Jesus.  No one ever told him that God loved him.  It wasn't until he was in the hospital that he found out about God and His love for him.

He talked with Logan for about 30 minutes.  I was privileged enough to hear the entire exchange.  I found myself in tears and raising my hands up and silently thanking God for sending this man to speak to Logan.  He was the answer to my many prayers.  He said the exact words Logan needed to hear.  He was the mouthpiece for God.  And God loved ME enough to allow me to hear my prayers being answered in a most unconventional way.

He hugged Logan a couple of times, gave him his number and told him if he needed anything, prayer or encouragement or answers to questions, to give him a call or text him and he'd be there for him.  This man was full of love and full of God.

After they parted ways, Logan said "Wow mom.  I'm pretty blown away.  First of all, I was beginning to wonder if God really existed in Toledo.  Secondly, I was ready to defend myself because he looked sketchy.  Then he says all that.  I'm pretty taken back."

I said "Logan... think about how much God loves you to do that for you.  I'm in awe."


I'm sharing all of this to encourage you that God really does hear your prayers.  God will come up with the most effective, creative way to answering.  Who would have guessed the events of yesterday?  I wouldn't.

We should not put limitations on God.  And we should never question if He loves us.  His promises are true.  His love is pure.

But here's the real point I want to get across.  Whatever your past is, it can be used to shape someone else's future.  God allowed you to experience your past for a reason.  Sometimes it's just for you to learn something right then.  Sometimes it's for someone else's benefit in the future.  Sometimes, most of the time, it's both.  Never never NEVER allow the lies of the enemy to tell you that your past will prevent God's blessings in the future.  And while you can still feel ashamed about the mistakes you've made in the past, you should NEVER believe that those mistakes will haunt you the rest of your life.  They don't have to.  Don't allow it.  Speak truth to yourself.  Remind yourself that you are forgiven.  Remind yourself that the past is left there... in the past.  Remind yourself that you're not the same person.

If you don't, then God might have to send a scary looking man with dreadlocks to tell you the truth on a street in Toledo.  I bet you'll listen then...

The Deconstruction Phase

I was beginning to take down our Christmas tree this morning when I had a thought... "This thing sure is easier to deconstruct than it is to assemble."  It takes time to put it together.  Fluff the branches (yes, we have a fake tree), string the lights, space them perfectly so they're not all bunched up, hang the ornaments, wait... that's too many red ones close together, spread them out, put the important ones out front, put on the tree skirt, and lastly, put that bright star on top.  It's time consuming and this is why we didn't assemble our pretty tree until about 3 weeks ago.  We have to drag everything out of the garage, sort through it all, make sure the lights are in working order, discard broken ornaments (happens every year), hang everything, make it all pretty and picture perfect.  Decorating for Christmas truly is a sucker of time.  :)

The other day, Garrett walked through the living room while we were watching something on TV.  Now when Garrett walks into a room, you usually know it by the sounds and noises he makes.  The kid cracks me up.  He's always singing, rapping, making weird noises or dancing while listening to his ipod.  He's happy and he knows how to enjoy the little things.  That's one of the things I adore about him.  Very rarely is he in a really bad mood and if he is, you probably wouldn't know it unless you know him REALLY well.  He's just that kind of kid.  Well, this particular day, he was singing and making noises as we were "trying" to watch this program.  We missed part of what was said, so I backed up the DVR (I love my DVR) and watched that section again.  Right at the time the guy on TV was repeating what I had missed, Garrett let out this war cry for no particular reason.  Ugh.  I said "Garrett, please!!!!  I am trying to hear this.  Why must you constantly make noises and scream everywhere you go???"  Immediate regret hit me.  Seriously Misty?  This kid is happy and enjoying his trip to the refrigerator and you are trying to watch a documentary that means nothing at all... and you get irritated with him??  What a jerk you are!!  As the regret was sinking in, I looked at his face.  He was trying to brush it off as good humor, but I could tell that my words had cut him.  He gave me a half grin and said "Fine then!  I'll just shut up and go to my room."  Oh man.  I'm such a schmuck!!!  I apologized and he said it was no big deal.  But it was.  It was a big deal to me.  I have spent years trying (and many times failing) to allow my kids the freedom to talk and be heard.  I have to admit that in the last year, my attention span and memory has made it very difficult to listen and communicate and it's very frustrating to me... and, I imagine, my family.  But that is absolutely NO excuse for my cutting words out of selfish frustration. 

Just like assembling the tree, I have spent time and effort assembling my family and our communication skills. They're not perfect by any stretch of the imagination.  My tree has never been perfect either.  BUT, I took pride in the fact that my family, and my tree, had all the necessary ingredients to be beautiful and, to me, it was.  Then, in one fail swoop, I have the power to deconstruct this beautiful creation with speed and ease.  Yikes.  All that hard work gone.

Our relationships are built, cared for, nurtured and hopefully, with love, constructed with thought and precision.  They're beautiful and they're time consuming.  Anything worth having takes work.  Anything that is to be appreciated and admired has an "assembly" time.  Be aware that the deconstruction process is fast and will sometimes catch you off guard.  The key is to NEVER be off guard.  
The Bible says in Proverbs 4:23 "Guard your heart above ALL else, for it determines the course of your life."

In Luke 6:45, it says "A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks."

Lord, help me guard my heart, my mind and my tongue.  I want to be a part of the building-up process... not the deconstruction of something beautiful.

DNA vs. Environment

Wow.  It's been a long time since I last blogged.  My brain is FULL!
This particular blog is something that's been brewing for a while. Bear with me cause I know what I'm going to try to say, but it may take a minute to get there.

I am an incredibly blessed woman.  I know this for sure.  Besides the obvious blessings like a home, car, kids, clothes, food and salvation, (definitely NOT in that order) I have an extra blessing.  A fantastic family.  I am constantly saddened by those friends who have awful family relationships.  My heart goes out to them when I know they must "endure" a get together at holiday time or for birthdays.  It's so sad to me that they can't enjoy their family.  It makes me realize that my family is not normal in that it is (for the most part) very happy and healthy.  I added the in-parenthesis-statement because we have our spats, but it always ends in love and forgiveness.  We are not a bitter group of people and we do not hold grudges or throw people's pasts in their faces.  We move on and love deeply the best we know how.

I have a daddy.   His name is Tim.  He has loved me from day one.  He got up with me in the middle of the night as a baby.  When I had a boo-boo, he would kiss it and put a band-aid on it.  He whooped my butt when it was necessary.  When I made the softball team, he practiced throwing and batting with me A LOT.  When I got my heart broken for the first time he hugged me and told me that he was sorry some "dumb ol' boy" made me sad.  When I went out with friends for the first time with out parental supervision, he was the one pulling into the parking lot of the putt putt place because I was already 5 minutes past curfew.  He has protected me too many times to count and prayed for me even more.  I LOVE HIM!

I also have a father.  His name is Dan.  He was just a young boy of 15 when I was conceived.  He didn't have the opportunity to be a part of my life until many years later.  I met him for the first time when I was 15.  We had written letters back and forth (we didn't have email back in the olden days) and spoke on the phone once.  I was so curious to meet him.  I found out that he wanted to meet me too.  I also found out that he loved me too!  Strange.  How can that be when he doesn't even know me?  That's hard for a kid to comprehend.

I remember when I was told that the only dad I had ever known wasn't my "real" dad.  It was after I had asked my mom about the birds and the bees (wink wink) and she finished the little talk with "God intended this for marriage.  He doesn't want you to have sex before marriage."  I instantly remembered seeing home movies of me AT MY PARENTS WEDDING!  Whaaaaa??  So naturally, I asked "Why did you and dad?"  Mom said "Let's pray."  I instantly began to cry because I could sense something big was about to happen.  Dad was working the night shift and they had always planned on telling me together. Here she was having to tell me with no support.  That had to have been so hard...  She told me about Dan and about their teen years together and how they really cared for each other, but God had something else in store for me.  I was a little bit on overload I think.  I don't remember a whole lot more about that night.
I do remember the next day though.  We were having hamburgers and hot dogs for lunch.  Mom said we needed more buns.  Dad was getting ready to leave and get more.  He said, "Hey Mist, you wanna go with me?"  YEAH!  I jumped in the car with him and headed to the store.  Then he spoke.  I can almost hear him now.... "I heard you and your mom had a talk last night.  I wish I could've been there.  I just want you to know that I don't care that you're not considered my "blood" daughter.  You will always be my daughter.  Nothing will ever change that."  I remember crying.  I remember feeling so secure.  I also remember feeling like no one was loved like I was.  After all, he didn't have to love me... he chose to love me.

Through the years, the relationship I have with each of them has changed.  Daddy is still my daddy.  He's an amazing man and I thank God for allowing me to have him in my life every day.  He's an amazing Pappaw to my kids and he loves spending time with them.  He's a fantastic husband and has set an example of what a husband should look like.  (He spoils my mom rotten!)  ;)  I love him so much.

The relationship between me and Dan began slowly, nervously.  I was very aware of how protective Dad was of me and I didn't want to hurt him or make him feel like he was being replaced.  But at the same time, I had a deep seated urge to meet my biological father.  I was beginning to wonder if I laughed like him (I do), if I walked like him (I do), if I would see myself in his eyes if I looked at him (and I do).  It was an overwhelming desire that I couldn't identify at the time.  I remember meeting him for the first time.  He had flown in from Florida just to meet me.  I was nervous.  He was even more nervous!  I wanted him to be proud of me.  He wanted me to not be disappointed in him.  It was so bizarre!!  And it was completely exhilarating!  I wanted to know as much about him as possible.

Long story short, today, Dan is a fantastic man to have in my life.  Dan is my friend and my family.  He's sober, happy, and serving Jesus with his whole heart.  He has great advice and it's from a perspective I am unfamiliar with (which makes it very valuable!).  He has taught me a LOT about living a life of deep gratitude and living in the moment.  He is a loving, compassionate man and he is a blessing to many people in his life.  He is priceless to me.  I love him too!!

There are things that I inherited from my father that I couldn't have from my dad.  There are things that I have gained from the environment my dad provided that I couldn't have gotten from my father.  God has used ALL of these things.  God knew that He needed a certain DNA and a certain environment to make a "ME".  And He wants that "ME" to do a specific job that he designed just for "ME" to do!  How cool is that????  The love that I receive from each of them and feel for each of them is a huge bonus!  :)

DNA vs. Environment.  What was given to me on the day of my birth and what did I learn from my environment?

As a follower of Christ, I must continually ask myself "Is this from my environment (the sinful world I live in, the yuck of this world) or is this my FATHER'S DNA?"  To keep my heart pure, I have to always always always strive to reflect the DNA of my Heavenly Father.  His very essence is love.  It can't be anything but love.  Anything contrary to love would be out of His character.  I fail daily in keeping with His character... but I'm working on it and getting better at listening to the Holy Spirit when he lets me know my epic failures are not in line with my Father.  I don't want to be a product of my worldly environment, but of my Heavenly Father's DNA. **

I was blessed abundantly with AMAZING MEN in my life... a Daddy, a biological father, and two wonderful fathers-in-law... not to mention the grandpas that taught me so much and loved me deeply and the uncles who are still encouraging to me.  But nothing, absolutely NOTHING compares to the love of my Heavenly Father.  And it's His DNA, His essence, His example I am seeking to follow for the rest of my life.


**All of you science geeks out there reading this... I know I'm using "DNA" scientifically incorrect in the end.  Get over it.  You know what I mean.**  ;)

Comfortable in a Leper Colony?

Not much on tv on Saturday afternoons.  I'm doing laundry and little piddly stuff around the house and was wanting something interesting to watch while folding laundry.  I found "interesting" all right...

National Geographic TV.  It's almost always entertaining, not always appropriate, very seldom true to the biblical worldview that I hold and that that I'm teaching my children. So we watch "with caution".  Today, I caught a show about Leprosy.  Sam immediately said "I thought that stuff was pretty much obsolete."  No, says the man on the tv.  It's in quite a few places and, despite the advanced antibiotics that can cure it, it's still spreading.  Did you know even a few hundred cases have been reported in the good ol' USA???  Shocking.  We truly got an education on leprosy... and it was VERY interesting!  Sad and kind of icky... but interesting.

The particular story that intrigued me was about a young woman who lived in a leper colony with her parents.  Both of her parents had leprosy and they were shunned by their society.  They moved to a leper colony over 30 years ago and haven't left since.  They raised their perfectly normal and perfectly healthy daughter in this same leper colony.  She is in her early 20's and has friends on the outside, but she doesn't tell them about her family.  She's afraid that she, too, will be shunned.  In short, she's comfortable with the lepers.  They have already accepted her.  Why would she choose to go anywhere else?

I know a little girl.  She's actually not so little anymore.  She's in her early twenties.  She's expecting her first baby.  She's not married and as time goes on, it's revealed that the relationship she's in is not healthy.  Okay, not healthy is an understatement.  It's a horrid situation that has very little hope of bringing anything but pain in the future and she should RUN from it for the sake of her own life as well as the baby's life.  But... she's not.  She is choosing to stay in that lifestyle of filth and sadness and heartache.  We're having a hard time understanding why.  She's the type of girl that lights up the room with her smile.  She's sweet, kind-hearted and loving.  She loves to surprise people with little notes or homemade gifts.  She enjoys the little things in life.  I love her so much.

After watching this show, I realized that this little girl / young woman with child that I know and love is stuck in her own leper colony.  For some reason she believes she belongs there with them.  She has the opportunity to leave.  She has several escapes that are safe and good and easily available.  This is her choice to stay where she is.  She's not "stuck" in a physical sense, but in a mental sense.

I heard once (from my very wise pastor) that every problem is really a TRUTH problem.  The more I experience for myself and through others, the more I agree with that statement.  For instance, if you believe the "truth" that you can only be happy when you have a lot of money, then you will do almost anything to get more of it.  If you believe the "truth" that you may have heard from someone in your childhood... "You'll never amount to anything... you're no good... you're worthless...", you will live according to that "truth".

The real question is "What truth will you believe?"  I choose to believe God's truth when He tells me I am more than a conqueror, I am His daughter because He has adopted me, I will never be forsaken or left alone and I am able to do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  I didn't always believe these truths, but today I do and I stand firm on them.

Somewhere along the line, this girl that I love had her "truth" twisted and warped.  I'm praying she comes back to the truth of God that she once experienced.  I am praying she gets very uncomfortable in her leper colony and realizes that, although she is not better than them, she is not one of them anymore.

Superficial Wounds

Women have a tendency to look at themselves in a critical way.  We look in the mirror and see every wrinkle, bump and lump that is out of place.  We see where our skin used to be smooth and taut.  We see our hair getting limp, fine and lacking in its original luster.  We see where our children have permanently left their mark on us before they were even born. 


The sad truth is that a lot of women actually have the audacity to look at OTHER women in that same critical way.  We can see a woman and pick apart her outfit, her hair color and her makeup in seconds.  Let's not even discuss what we think about their comfortable shoes or their 6 year old purse that was purchased at Walmart.


My question is... WHY?  Why do we care what others choose to wear?  Why would I care how you would choose to wear your hair?  Your favorite color is purple and so you want purple streaks in your hair... should I care about that?  Does it personally affect me?  Can I somehow find it offensive if you decide not to update your closet with brand new clothing every season?


I'm not just picking on women... Men are just as bad.  No guys, you're not off the hook here.


Now don't get mad at me yet.  I'm not talking about the few of you that enjoy all aspects of fashion.  By all means, have a blast with it.  I'm also not talking about letting yourself go to the point of not using soap or laundry detergent.  I hope you recognize what I'm talking about here.  I'm talking about shallow, superficial ignorance that can cause severe damage.  When these judgments and comments come out of your mouth, they can leave wounds that can take years to heal...and some never really do. 


Just because these wounds are about superficial things does NOT mean they are superficial wounds.  They go deep and can cause a lot of damage. 


Have you ever met a really attractive person only to be completely disgusted by them when you get to know them?  In turn, have you ever met a "homely" person only to discover later that they are honestly one of the most beautiful people you've ever met?  Yeah, me too.

1 Peter 3:3-4

 Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.

I challenge you to look beyond appearances.  I challenge ME to look beyond appearances.

Once upon a time...

  I sit here this morning with memories flooding my mind.  Some are so good that I wish I could live in those memories again... some are so awful that I wish my mind would erase them. (Where is that DELETE button for memories anyway?)

  16 years ago today, my world changed forever.  I was 21 years old, had two little boys ages 2 and 7 months old.  I was married to Terry Daniel Retz.

  As most young couples starting out, we had our issues and our times of turmoil... but he was my friend and he could make me laugh faster than anyone else could.

  There was rarely a dull moment with him.  He loved to go mountain bike riding and compete in races... the big town of "Gnaw Bone" was one of his favorite places to go riding.  He also loved music (all kinds) and he really loved playing softball.  He was great at it!  I remember when he ran, it was like he had wheels on... rounding the bases with ease and speed.  His favorite part was when he slid into base and got some nasty strawberry rashes as his badge of courage.  "Look!  This is a nice one!  You might have to dig some gravel out of there for me, babe" he would say with a big cheesy grin that was in place to hide the pain.
  He was scared to death when I told him I was pregnant.  Neither one of us were ready to be parents...we were teenagers for crying out loud!  But after the shock and fear faded, and the reality of the upcoming baby set in, he got anxious and excited.  I was due on Jan. 23rd... and I went WAY past my due date. A couple weeks before the baby was born, he said "I think you've made it entirely too comfortable for this kid and it has decided it's not going to be born.  Time to make it uncomfortable!"  He then proceeded to take me for long drives on very bumpy roads every chance he got.  HA!
  He loved Nascar and especially Rusty Wallace.  I have no clue why he liked him so much, but it made for a good rivalry with his brother who was a die-hard Dale Earnhardt fan.  They loved going to races together.  Terry loved his brother so much!  There was about a 10 year age gap between them, but Terry looked up to his older brother.  My favorite memories of the two of them together consist of them getting the giggles at the supper table and having to leave the room to calm down.  Their giggles were contagious... and laughter usually erupted over things that only they found funny.  The rest of us would laugh at their laughter.
  These are all great memories.  I cherish them.  There are a million more where those came from, but I think I'll keep them to myself.  =)

Here are the memories I wish I could erase:

*The phone call from my sister-in-law saying Terry had been in an accident and I needed to get to the hospital.
*The look on the emergency room receptionists face when I gave her my name and Terry's name.
*The look on my father-in-law's face when he told me Terry was dead.
*The feeling I had when my best friend couldn't bear to look me in the eyes and see my pain.
*The tightness of the hug from my brother-in-law in the emergency room and the helplessness that I felt with him sobbing on my shoulder.
*The look on my mother-in-laws face when I had to be honest with the tissue transplant team when they asked me if Terry had taken drugs in the last 48 hours.  (There are some things a mother doesn't want to hear...)
*My two year old son asking me when daddy was coming home... 2 days after he died.
*Cleaning the shaving stubble out of our bathroom sink after he was gone... and thinking how stupid it was for me to get mad about having to clean it up all the times before that.
*The morning after he died, Father's Day 1995, waking to realize it wasn't a bad dream.

  I write this today, 16 years after his death, so that I can remember and so that others can remember with me.  Those who knew him will always miss him.  Those that didn't know him will only be able to hear stories and know bits and pieces of him.  I wish everyone could have known him...

  I have several friends who have lost loved ones and spouses in the last couple of years.  I may not understand all of the circumstances surrounding your pain and experience, but I do understand the feeling of loss and helplessness and fear and uncertainty.  It's as if your whole world has been picked up and shaken.  And now you and you alone are left to find the pieces of your life and put them back together after you thought they were already set in place.  It's scary and daunting.

  There will be times you don't feel like God hears your cries.  He does.  There will be times you feel totally alone.  He promised to NEVER leave you alone and He's there even when you can't feel it.  There will be times when your future is so unclear that you don't even want to go there in your mind, let alone in reality.  He is already there.   Lean on Him because He is steady, strong and unchanging.  He WILL see you through this time.

Secrets

So there's a secret that I've been keeping for a long time now.  It's not a secret to my family and most of my friends already know this about me, but it's not been "out there" for public consumption before now.  Is your curiosity peaked?  Okay... here goes...

I have MS (multiple sclerosis).

I was diagnosed over 10 years ago and I have been in a daily battle with it since then. There are days that I almost feel normal and can continue on with my day as if it doesn't exist.  Then there are times like the past few weeks where it's so big and ugly that it cannot be ignored or forgotten and the battle is raging full force.

I always hesitate and even avoid telling people I carry around this disease because I loathe the look of pity on someone's face.  There's not much worse than feeling pitiful.  So please understand that I'm not spilling my guts here to get pity or sympathy.  "So what's your point in telling people now, Misty?"  Yeah, I asked myself that before I started typing this.  It's a good question.  It's a legitimate question.

In the "addiction/recovery" field, there is a saying that is "You are only as sick as your secrets."  I've thought a lot about that saying in the last few months.  For the most part, it's true.  Secrets can eat at you and cause you to hide things, lie and feel shame and guilt.  Does that mean that EVERYTHING should be placed on the table for public scrutiny??  No way.  Believe me, there are certain things that we, the public, appreciate not knowing!  =)   But there are certain things that are pretty stupid to keep secret.  And it's exhausting!  =)

I was awake at 2:30 this morning because I'm fighting some kind of sinus/cold/head issue and it was coupled with my normal aches and pains and burning sensation and knotted muscles.  (Summer is the absolute WORST time of year for me.  Heat is my enemy!)  I felt  horrible!  I got out of bed, came downstairs and took some medicine and got on my laptop.  Then I did something I have never done before.  I got on facebook, went through my friends list, and prayed for each one of my friends.  A lot of them have issues of life going on and I felt like it was a good time to lift them up and get my focus off of me for a while.  For some of them, I didn't know what to pray, so I just prayed general "blessing" prayers for them.  I wished I knew more specifically what they needed from the Lord.  Then it dawned on me... I'll bet a lot of my friends who know how to pray have no clue what kind of prayers I need!  By keeping this disease a "secret", I've cheated my friends as well as myself out of a blessing!  And that makes me a fool.

So, my awesome friends, if you ever wake in the middle of the night and start praying for your friends and you come to me on your list, you now know what I need prayer for... I need a miracle.  Thanks for your prayers.