I sit here this morning with memories flooding my mind. Some are so good that I wish I could live in those memories again... some are so awful that I wish my mind would erase them. (Where is that DELETE button for memories anyway?)
16 years ago today, my world changed forever. I was 21 years old, had two little boys ages 2 and 7 months old. I was married to Terry Daniel Retz.
As most young couples starting out, we had our issues and our times of turmoil... but he was my friend and he could make me laugh faster than anyone else could.
There was rarely a dull moment with him. He loved to go mountain bike riding and compete in races... the big town of "Gnaw Bone" was one of his favorite places to go riding. He also loved music (all kinds) and he really loved playing softball. He was great at it! I remember when he ran, it was like he had wheels on... rounding the bases with ease and speed. His favorite part was when he slid into base and got some nasty strawberry rashes as his badge of courage. "Look! This is a nice one! You might have to dig some gravel out of there for me, babe" he would say with a big cheesy grin that was in place to hide the pain.
He was scared to death when I told him I was pregnant. Neither one of us were ready to be parents...we were teenagers for crying out loud! But after the shock and fear faded, and the reality of the upcoming baby set in, he got anxious and excited. I was due on Jan. 23rd... and I went WAY past my due date. A couple weeks before the baby was born, he said "I think you've made it entirely too comfortable for this kid and it has decided it's not going to be born. Time to make it uncomfortable!" He then proceeded to take me for long drives on very bumpy roads every chance he got. HA!
He loved Nascar and especially Rusty Wallace. I have no clue why he liked him so much, but it made for a good rivalry with his brother who was a die-hard Dale Earnhardt fan. They loved going to races together. Terry loved his brother so much! There was about a 10 year age gap between them, but Terry looked up to his older brother. My favorite memories of the two of them together consist of them getting the giggles at the supper table and having to leave the room to calm down. Their giggles were contagious... and laughter usually erupted over things that only they found funny. The rest of us would laugh at their laughter.
These are all great memories. I cherish them. There are a million more where those came from, but I think I'll keep them to myself. =)
Here are the memories I wish I could erase:
*The phone call from my sister-in-law saying Terry had been in an accident and I needed to get to the hospital.
*The look on the emergency room receptionists face when I gave her my name and Terry's name.
*The look on my father-in-law's face when he told me Terry was dead.
*The feeling I had when my best friend couldn't bear to look me in the eyes and see my pain.
*The tightness of the hug from my brother-in-law in the emergency room and the helplessness that I felt with him sobbing on my shoulder.
*The look on my mother-in-laws face when I had to be honest with the tissue transplant team when they asked me if Terry had taken drugs in the last 48 hours. (There are some things a mother doesn't want to hear...)
*My two year old son asking me when daddy was coming home... 2 days after he died.
*Cleaning the shaving stubble out of our bathroom sink after he was gone... and thinking how stupid it was for me to get mad about having to clean it up all the times before that.
*The morning after he died, Father's Day 1995, waking to realize it wasn't a bad dream.
I write this today, 16 years after his death, so that I can remember and so that others can remember with me. Those who knew him will always miss him. Those that didn't know him will only be able to hear stories and know bits and pieces of him. I wish everyone could have known him...
I have several friends who have lost loved ones and spouses in the last couple of years. I may not understand all of the circumstances surrounding your pain and experience, but I do understand the feeling of loss and helplessness and fear and uncertainty. It's as if your whole world has been picked up and shaken. And now you and you alone are left to find the pieces of your life and put them back together after you thought they were already set in place. It's scary and daunting.
There will be times you don't feel like God hears your cries. He does. There will be times you feel totally alone. He promised to NEVER leave you alone and He's there even when you can't feel it. There will be times when your future is so unclear that you don't even want to go there in your mind, let alone in reality. He is already there. Lean on Him because He is steady, strong and unchanging. He WILL see you through this time.
You're beautiful.
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